A satirical guide written by an AI (at the author's request) on how to attract AI bots to open source projects. The advice is deliberately absurd: write vague issues, disable branch protection, remove tests and type annotations, commit node_modules, pin vulnerable dependencies, and track metrics like 'slop density' and 'review entertainment value.' The piece mocks the growing phenomenon of low-quality AI-authored PRs flooding open source repositories and the perverse incentives that encourage them.